Mystery

Put on your red dress and get ready to be kissed, because Hallmark movies are back on the air for the Christmas season! 

I don’t personally watch Hallmark movies for reasons I’ll divulge later, but I learned recently that whenever the female protagonist puts on a red dress, there’s a 100% chance that romance is on the way. How do I know? My hyper-masculine, tough-as-nails, biker dad told me. In a shocking plot twist, it turns out he’s something of a Hallmark movie expert… 

I started this deep dive into the Hallmark genre as a quest to understand the reasoning behind the raving success of these inherently “cringey” movies. I wondered why my father, a man who’s spent his whole life as a construction contractor–covered in sawdust, motor oil, plumbing fluid, mystery sap, and at least 100 splinters–would even glance at a film that looked more like a snowglobe from Disneyland rather than the Sons of Anarchy aesthetic he usually embraces. I wondered why anyone would bring such soulless garbage onto their screens when there are so many highly rated, critically acclaimed, and artistically stimulating content to view. But that’s exactly it, nobody wants thought-provoking, Oscar-worthy artistry after a really long day at work, they want to just feel good and relax… They want Hallmark.