Year: 2024

SUN VALLEY, CA — Sources close to Hodgson Lloyd-Jones Johnson confirmed earlier this week that the Reformed 32-year-old spent the Lord’s Day resting by blasting people in theological arguments online.

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Disney executives shocked the entertainment world earlier today when they announced a new film titled "Jumpy The Homo-Punching Kangaroo," an apparent attempt to win back conservative viewers they’ve lost over the past few years.

U.S. — In yet another blow to President-elect Trump, aides have announced that former President Jimmy Carter will also be skipping Trump’s inauguration.

SAINT CROIX — What had already been a relaxing family vacation to usher in the coming new year became the site of an even greater celebration, as news of the death of former President Jimmy Carter made it official that Joe Biden had finally claimed the title of Worst Living President.

TEMPE, AZ — Local white liberal Jennifer Armstrong is holding out hope that a black person will actually show up to her Kwanzaa party this year.

U.S. — In a blow to America’s favorite pastime, Vivek Ramaswamy has officially announced that the Department Of Government Efficiency will be replacing baseball with cricket.

MILWAUKEE, WI — Local dad Greg Evans took a trip down memory lane earlier this morning when he had to tell his kids about the good old days when you didn’t have to download firmware updates for toy trains.

WORLD — The results of a shocking study released by Consumer Reports found that every single toy gifted on Christmas is now broken.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts said was perhaps the final and most disturbing development in the long list of announcements made by the outgoing administration, President Joe Biden issued a full pardon to Blippi.

U.S. — Horrified kids across the United States were reportedly left severely disappointed yesterday, as they discovered that Santa Claus had updated his longtime policy and, in lieu of coal, had given naughty children tickets to Chicago White Sox games.

BETHLEHEM — Residents of Bethlehem in Judea reported that it was anything but a silent night this evening, as they were treated to two different concerts by two young musicians. Eyewitnesses said that shortly after the little drummer boy left the stable, a little bagpipe boy showed up wailing out a tune of his own.

BETHLEHEM — With a long but eventful evening near its end, witnesses said the young Jewish girl Mary bit her tongue, smiled politely, and sighed patiently as the three visiting wise men from the East finished their presentation for the newborn Christ child with an a capella rendition of "Mary Did You Know?"

NEW YORK, NY — In a move intended to capitalize on his popularity with the show’s audience, NBC announced that UnitedHealthcare CEO killer Luigi Mangione would host next week’s episode of Saturday Night Live.

NEW YORK, NY — With firearm violence dominating the news once again, CBS News sought to highlight the progress being made in other parts of the galaxy by airing an episode of the popular news magazine 60 Minutes that praised the Galactic Empire’s gun control policies.

HEAVEN — Upon arriving in Heaven, Ron Darnold was absolutely stoked to discover that the angelic choir greeting him sounded exactly like the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

U.S. — Media personality Candace Owens was shocked and appalled today after discovering that Christmas originated because of the birth of a Jew.

U.S. — President Joe Biden proudly announced Friday that America’s crippling national debt had officially been paid off in full by using the money found in Congressman Dan Crenshaw’s swear jar.

With only a few days left before the calendar turns to 2025, it’s time to look back and honor some of this year’s most amazing achievements. 2024 was one for the ages, featuring numerous historic events, momentous accomplishments, and some type of election people keep talking about.

SPARKS, MD — The hotly anticipated next installment of the popular Civilization franchise, Sid Meier’s Civilization VII, will reportedly expand its tech tree system with a new "Bidenomics" research upgrade where inflation ruins everything and eggs go up to $12 a dozen.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President-elect Donald Trump was still several weeks away from taking office, but the implementation of new policies by his Department of Government Efficiency had already begun, as "Elon on the Shelf" dolls were being installed in all congressional offices to remind lawmakers to be efficient.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With time running short, Congress has warned that failure to pass a massive spending bill could result in the U.S. surviving a bit longer.

Ostensibly designed to merely keep the government open until March, suspicions arose that the new spending bill may have a few things added after it clocked in at 1,500 pages and $1.2 trillion. The Bee has reviewed the bill line by line, uncovering the following thirteen shocking items:

FLINT, MI — In a selfless and helpful act, local husband Peter Crampton pointed out all the historical inaccuracies in the episode of ‘Downton Abbey’ that his wife Ellenor was watching.

JERUSALEM — A tale retold at Christmastime for thousands of years was shaken up this week, as a newly discovered scroll revealed a fourth wise man who brought baby Jesus the best gift of all: a priceless Lego Millennium Falcon.

LAS VEGAS, NV — In what industry observers hailed as a win for diversity, equity, and inclusion, Allegiant Airlines made history by announcing that it had hired the airline industry’s first straight male flight attendant.

Women are a mystery. We literally do not understand them at all. So, we consulted with the top women researchers, and they revealed to us the 12 most common questions wives ask during movies. Here they are:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise move this morning, President Biden announced he has granted a full and complete pardon to the Dark Lord Sauron.