Month: October 2024

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a last-ditch attempt to keep him occupied and out of trouble until after the election, White House aides have reportedly given Biden a tablet to watch "Cocomelon" and a carton of Goldfish.

U.S. — A special edition of the Amazon Echo was announced today featuring a brand new "Kamalexa" A.I. voice. Based on current Vice President Kamala Harris, the smart device responds to your questions in long, incoherent sentences, and is explicitly programmed to never actually give you any answers.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a renewed effort to lower the political temperature amid the lead-up to the presidential election next week, President Joe Biden called on all deplorable garbage Nazis to tone down their rhetoric.

With the final push to the election underway, former President Trump has taken a slight lead in the polls — but his fundraising trails Vice President Harris by $600 million. Yikes! To close the gap, Trump unveiled nine brilliant, foolproof fundraising ideas guaranteed to level the field:

NEW YORK, NY — The entire cast of the all-female talk show ‘The View’ was forced to get rabies shots this week after Whoopi Goldberg bit all of them.

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez accused her boyfriend of doing yet another ‘Mini January 6th’ again this week after the congresswoman found his socks on the floor.

HOUSTON, TX — Democrats outside of the Kamala Harris rally began screaming in blind rage after spotting a child who somehow managed to make it out of the womb alive.

HOUSTON, TX — A woman suffered a medical emergency during a Kamala Harris rally, fortuitously just as a dozen doctors were arriving on a nearby stage. The abortionists raced to the woman’s side, then proceeded to crush her skull and rip her apart limb by limb.

EARTH — Staring out into the floodwaters, Noah’s wife Emzara reported feeling a sinking sensation that she might have left the stove on when she boarded the ark.

While other fake news organizations like the Washington Post and L.A. Times refuse to save democracy, we at the Babylon Bee are proud to do our part. Today, the esteemed Editorial Board of the Babylon Bee has officially voted to endorse Kamala Harris for President.

NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL — Satan was reportedly unsure which of his favorite baseball teams he should root for to win the 2024 World Series: the Los Angeles Dodgers or the New York Yankees.

LOS ANGELES, CA — A late-breaking report confirmed that the police helicopter hovering above your neighborhood either said to go outside and help look for a missing old guy or to lock your doors and stay inside because there’s a serial killer on your street.

LOS ANGELES, CA — After being in business for 143 years, The Los Angeles Times is shutting its doors because its entire staff resigned in protest after being asked to publish factual information. Provoked by a new editor-in-chief who thought newspapers were supposed to report facts, several senior reporters banded together to rally everyone to quit their jobs and do literally anything else. "I’ve wanted to be a reporter for as long as I could remember," said former political correspondent Iago Mendax. "But telling the truth? What does that have to do with reporting?" Several former employees had already accepted jobs at The New York Times and The National Enquirer, where they hoped their efforts to dispel the truth would be appreciated. Others were considering this an early retirement. "I think I’m just going to lie in my free time," said Jezebel Countercross, who formerly worked the crime beat. "I think it will be nice to just spend more time deceiving my friends and family." At publishing time, every single former employee had been sued for libel.

Some people have noticed the peculiar formatting Dr. Jordan Peterson began using when posting on X (formerly Twitter), but little have they realized that they are witnessing the emergence of the great haiku poet of modern times.

LOS ANGELES, CA — History was made on the basketball court last night when fans witnessed a once-in-a-lifetime moment as LeBron James and his son Bronny executed the NBA’s first perfectly synchronized father-son flop.

U.S. — In response to yet another Democrat shooting someone, gun owners across the country have begun to call for common-sense Democrat control.

ST. PAUL, MN — A local wife revealed her pre-bedtime ritual consists of showering, applying lotion, and sticking her feet in the freezer.

PITTSBURG, PA — According to sources, a local man has decided to purchase a stick of clean, organic, non-toxic deodorant without any harmful chemicals so he can smell like sandalwood and body odor.

Everyone knows there’s no more efficient organization than the United States government. Everything they touch flourishes and succeeds.

GREEN BAY, WI — Disaster struck at a recent Harris-Walz rally after Tim Walz’s wild, erratic arms movements inadvertently signaled a Boeing 747 to land in the middle of the crowd.

HOUSTON, TX — Eyewitnesses at Lakewood Church reported that a congregant who shouted "Jesus is Lord" during a morning service was quickly told by Joel Osteen "I think you’re at the wrong church."

DETROIT, MI — Sources within the fundraising wing of the Trump campaign report that they recently raised several million dollars in fewer than 12 hours after Trump introduced the new catchphrase "How much would you pay not to hear Kamala talk?"

HADDONFIELD, NJ — Preliminary trick-or-treating reports indicated a house on Wedgewood Lane was planning to put out a bucket full of books by C.S. Lewis for children this year, instantly making it the most popular house in the neighborhood.

U.S. — In a desperate, last-ditch attempt to keep Donald Trump from winning the election, Democrats have announced they are switching out Kamala Harris for a wheel of cheese with a sign reading "Not Trump."