Month: November 2024

LOS ANGELES, CA — It’s official, the 2025 Major League Baseball season is over and the Los Angeles Dodgers have been preemptively declared World Series Champions for the foreseeable future after all other teams were forced to forfeit due to the Dodgers signing every baseball player currently in existence to a collective 30-year, $400 trillion contract.

CHICAGO, IL — Consumers across America were shocked and elated to land huge deals after finding out Dyson vacuums would be briefly on sale for the low, low price of just $7000 this Black Friday.

GREEN VALLEY LAKE, CA — Local man Landon Collings, 45, heroically volunteered to do the most important part of Thanksgiving meal preparations this year: staying out of the kitchen so his wife, Carla, could actually get things done.

Alcoholism is a dangerous condition affecting millions across the United States each and every year, from the poorest among us to even very powerful government officials. It’s important to know when you have a problem so you can seek the help you need. Here are nine signs to look for when determining if you are an alcoholic:

It’s the fourth week of November, which means it’s time for us all to do a little introspection and consider what we are thankful for. The Babylon Bee made full use of its vast political and entertainment connections to ask a dozen prominent public figures what they are thankful for this year. Their answers may surprise you:

OXFORD, MS — The Thanksgiving week turned ugly for one local family, as a southern wife was arrested and booked on charges of failing to serve drinks in Mason jars to people visiting her home.

UNIVERSAL CITY, CA — After hearing that her new movie had a successful opening weekend, star Ariana Grande asked the film’s producers if Wicked had made enough money for her to finally have a hot meal.

It’s Thanksgiving week, which brings back memories of what you learned in school about the first Thanksgiving, where pilgrim settlers and natives gathered in peace to eat food, debate about who the land belonged to, and watch the Macy’s parade. But what about the things they didn’t teach you in school?

PALM BEACH, FL — Less than one month after the presidential election and still eight weeks away from his inauguration, experts have already confirmed that President-Elect Donald Trump now has the hottest cabinet of all time.

NEW YORK, NY — Following what had been a tumultuous election season and notable instances of panel members having to read legal notes on the air, the rating for The View soared after producers introduced ejection seats for when hosts make inaccurate statements.

U.S. — In a dramatic move that could shake up the media industry, Elon Musk has announced his intent to purchase MSNBC and turn the channel into a news network.

KANSAS CITY, MO — Local man Kevin Marlow successfully passed the bar exam today, after preparing by simply watching The View for one week.

With Hollywood mainstays like Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi escaping the hostility of the United States, how can America possibly hope to maintain its cultural impact? It may be time to admit that the American dream is now dead and it’s only going to get worse from here. The Babylon Bee has learned of even more iconic entertainers fleeing Trump’s tyrannical rule for life abroad.

CAMBRIDGE — Though it was long thought to be prohibited except for reasons of sexual immorality, Bible scholars now say they have uncovered definitive evidence that divorce is also authorized in extreme cases when a spouse is caught playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving.

FLINT, MI — A local suburban neighborhood was thrown into shock after news spread that housewife Eleanor Schmidt had just committed seppuku in shame after failing to clean her house before the cleaning lady arrived.

Not only is it morning in America once again, but it’s almost Thanksgiving morning in America. This year, Republicans have even more things to be thankful for. In the spirit of the upcoming holiday, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of things conservatives can be thankful for:

It’s a dark time to be a progressive. But it’s the Thanksgiving season, which means it’s time to be thankful to whatever non-specific deity or power you believe in. Let’s try to keep up that spirit of gratitude by reminding ourselves of these ten things libs can still be thankful for:

Hey sweetheart… can we talk about something?

BAY SPRINGS, MS — A local Baptist church took its fundraising to a whole new level this week by selling an exciting pin-up calendar consisting of photos of different casseroles.

It’s everywhere — Donald Trump’s trademark fist-pumping dance has officially gone viral. From Political rallies and social media to NFL stadiums and the UFC Octagon, there’s no escaping pop culture’s latest trend.

U.S. — Tech companies are reportedly getting ready for a future in which all liberals will require their own individual social media platforms so they can avoid encountering wrong opinions.

Much has been made about President-Elect Donald Trump’s decision to place Robert F. Kennedy Jr. in charge of the Department of Health and Human Services, with some members of the media speculating that it will end life in America as we know it. But just what plans does RFK Jr. have in store to make America healthier?

ORLANDO, FL — In an attempt to win back customers, struggling restaurant chain Red Lobster has rolled out a new promotion called their "Reasonable Amount Of Shrimp" deal.

The scourge of wokeness came for every part of our lives, and stole so many things we held dear to our hearts. Here are eight of the things that we will never forgive wokeness for taking from us:

U.S. — In what turned out to be an incredibly lopsided match, buffering handily defeated Netflix last night by technical knockout.

U.S. — After winding up in debt from blowing through $1.2 billion in just three months, Vice President Kamala Harris called in to the Dave Ramsey Show to ask for some financial guidance.