Month: January 2025

U.S. — With President Donald Trump ordering all government employees to come back to working in person by February 6, federal workers expressed concern that returning to the office would interfere with them not working.

TUPELO, MS — A local Christian man was forced to retreat to his home and cower in shame after he realized he failed to actually pray for his friend who asked him to pray for him and then later thanked him for praying for him.

BEIJING — After a challenging last two weeks, a secret meeting was held by several world leaders from around the globe so America’s enemies could sign a petition to bring back Joe Biden.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a heated exchange during Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s confirmation hearing before the Senate Committee on Finance, Senator Elizabeth Warren asked RFK Jr. how he would address the outbreak of smallpox from the white man’s blankets.

U.S. — In an attempt to more effectively cater to underserved segments of the population, ridesharing company Lyft introduced a new "AirLyft" app that would be available for plus-sized customers.

With reports rolling in of widespread panic among the illegal immigrant population of the United States, foreign-born people across the country are looking for ways to avoid being apprehended and deported.

U.S. — With heated debate taking place across the country over President Donald Trump’s initiative to carry out mass deportations of illegal aliens, Democrats found themselves once again concerned about who would be picking their crops.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a brief dust-up and threats of a trade war over the weekend stemming from the U.S.’s new policy of rounding up and returning illegal aliens to their countries of origin, Donald Trump was overheard reminding Colombian President Gustavo Petro that he wanted two coats of wax on his limousine.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — The algorithm that dictates ads on Instagram sprang into action as Rachel Myers settled into bed, the app sensing she was tired and ready to buy literally anything it put in front of her.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his first official act as Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth announced today that all women in the military will now be nurses and they must wear those hot outfits like they did back in World War II.

U.S. — The Babylon Bee would like to publicly thank President Donald Trump for making good on his promise to get rid of all those DEI rules, allowing us to take immediate action and fire our only female writer.

CASPER, WY — Amid the uproar over people accusing Elon Musk of giving a Nazi sign following Donald Trump’s inauguration, journalists were able to track down the one person who has never once done a Hitler salute in his life.

HEAVEN — Faced with questions following the headline-making sermon delivered by a girl priest at the National Prayer Service, God clarified through a messenger that "Wherever two or three are gathered in my name, I am with them" doesn’t apply to Episcopalians.

PHOENIX, AZ — A local Christian community was thrown into an uproar this week when it came to people’s attention that there was a retard among them who not only reads the Bible but also believes that it just means what it says.

U.S. — With the uproar over President Donald Trump returning to the White House with a flurry of sweeping actions, the nation’s liberals took a brief pause in their standard daily routine of chanting "Death to Israel" so they could call Elon Musk a Nazi.

LOS ANGELES, CA — After briefly listening to former Vice President Kamala Harris speak, survivors of the Los Angeles fires hopped back in their cars and drove directly into the flames.

At his inauguration this week, PRESIDENT Trump (gosh, that feels good to type) announced he would be officially renaming the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. He also restored the name "Mt. McKinley" from whatever dumb thing the natives had called it. We are so back!

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Looking back over his legacy, sources said now-former President Joe Biden consoled himself with the fact that, no matter what else he may have done, at least he did his very best to ruin the country during his four years in office.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just in time for the Trump administration to move in, a cleaning crew reportedly arrived at the White House to get rid of the old man smell.

Donald Trump is back in the White House, and he’s bringing sweeping changes to every corner of the country. As part of his quest to usher in an American Golden Age, he has specific plans in store for the education system.

U.S. — One of America’s oldest and most widely used social media platforms experienced a sudden surge of use today, as after losing access to TikTok, zoomers across the country frantically contacted their grandparents to ask them how to use Facebook.

U.S. — The general public was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief this weekend due to knowing that, with the TikTok ban, Americans were now only being spied on by the Pentagon, Google, Facebook, Apple, Samsung, their doorbells, and toasters.

BEIJING — With a TikTok ban soon to take effect in the United States, the Chinese Communist Party was forced to resort to spying on Americans by hiding tiny little cameras inside fortune cookies.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning declaration, President Biden has unilaterally added a new amendment to the Constitution, officially making the 28th Amendment, also known as the Equal Rights Amendment, the law of the land.

Dear readers,

GRANDVIEW, MO — A local man reached a historic life milestone today, as after 25 years of adulthood, he was finally able to take a sip of black coffee without grimacing.