Month: April 2025

EPHESUS — An ancient document discovered in the region of Ephesus may be a long-lost third letter to Timothy, where Paul warns the young preacher not to start a podcast, say researchers.

U.S. — An upcoming live-streamed speech by former Vice President Kamala Harris will reportedly charge viewers $25 to mute her.

VATICAN CITY — With no pope to oversee them, the College of Cardinals has been staying up every night playing Goldeneye 007 and building pillow forts, according to Vatican insiders.

SEATTLE — Women across the country have been shocked to learn that mifepristone and misoprostol, pills designed to murder babies in the womb, might not be all that safe.

Glad tidings! Your favorite fake news outlet just loaded up its store with BRAND NEW merch, and it’s all guaranteed 100% tariff free.

REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — Former President Joe Biden was placed under arrest today for harboring just over eleven million illegal immigrants.

MILWAUKEE, WI — While being questioned by authorities following her arrest, FBI agents discovered 17 more illegal aliens hiding in the back of County Circuit Judge Hannah Dugan’s robes.

GREEN BAY, WI — After free falling out of the first two rounds, Shedeur Sanders finally heard his name called as McDonald’s drafted him in the third round as a fry cook.

Music, while thoroughly enjoyable and a beautiful form of artistic expression, is often full of logical fallacies and outright misinformation. Having an expert separate the truth from the lies can be helpful.

SLIDELL, LA — According to sources, the children of local father Jaxon Holt are completely ignorant of how cool their dad is.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The leader of the free world was sporting a new look this morning, as witnesses noticed that President Donald Trump’s skin had returned to normal human color just one day after HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. began phasing out artificial dyes.

With RFK Jr.’s artificial dye ban being pushed into effect as soon as possible, corporations were sent scrambling to bring their products into compliance, resulting in a slew of new food items that will be hitting store shelves near you.

U.S. — On the heels of news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. would be banning synthetic colors in the manufacturing of foods, Democrats across the country began chugging artificial food dyes as a bold act of protest.

U.S. — Following news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had officially banned artificial food dyes, Post Consumer Brands announced that it would be changing its "Fruity Pebbles" cereal to the more compliant "Whitey Pebbles."

VATICAN CITY — Following the death of Pope Francis, cardinals within the Roman Catholic Church have expressed interest in electing a pope who’s actually Catholic this time.

CAROL STREAM, IL — An article published by Christianity Today calls into question the existence of Jesus, argues that the Bible is a lie, and says God is dead.

PLANO, TX — After moving to Plano and spending weeks searching for a new church home, Dan and Cyndi Badeen hit the jackpot when they walked into St. Paul’s Lutheran and found hymnals, an organ, and a male pastor.

JUDEA — Saint John the Apostle has reportedly signed a lucrative six figure deal with Nike following his win against Saint Peter in a footrace to the tomb of Jesus.

LONDON — Prosecutors were stopped in their tracks this week and left with no recourse to pursue the case any further, after a suspect in a recent stabbing incident in the United Kingdom pleaded Muslim.

EAST OF EDEN — Public opinion was heavily divided this week after accused murderer Cain raised $1,000,000 in crowdfunding donations after killing his brother, Abel.

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a historic decision, the National Basketball Referees Association announced its intention of giving LeBron James his very own whistle to call his own fouls.

VATICAN CITY — Distinguished canon law scholars in the Roman Catholic church have just confirmed that Purgatory consists of helping 3rd-graders with their math homework for hundreds of years.

It’s that time of year again when everyone lets the government steal from them in the form of "taxes." But what if there were some easy tricks to avoid paying taxes altogether?

LONDON — As the United Kingdom’s Supreme Court Judge issued a landmark ruling that "a woman" is defined as "an adult human female", onlookers could not help but notice that the judge looked suspiciously like Matt Walsh in a powdered wig.