Month: May 2025

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a beautiful and heart-rending moment, Elon Musk extended a glowing finger to touch President Trump’s forehead before stepping into a rocket and returning to outer space with his people.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another outrageous display of unprecedented judicial activism, a federal judge ruled earlier today that President Donald Trump must use the bad controller.

U.S. — Washington was abuzz with the news that Elon Musk had officially stepped down from his duties as head of the Department of Government Efficiency. Musk said he will now spend his time tackling the much easier job of sending human beings to Mars.

HOUSTON, TX — According to sources close to the discussion, a group of evangelicals met at a local coffee shop to brainstorm the dumbest possible name for the new church they were planting in the area.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — With the Trump administration banning Harvard University from taking international students, the school was forced to begin accepting students from Ohio.

The Babylon Bee was saddened to learn of the passing of former President Joe Biden. [Note: Make sure this does not get published until it is 100% confirmed that he died.]

BURBANK, CA — Walt Disney Studios announced Monday that all lessons learned from the disastrous release of Disney’s Snow White have been effectively unlearned thanks to the box office success of Lilo & Stitch.

CAMBRIDGE — A new theological discovery shook up modern Christianity this week, as Bible scholars revealed evidence that led them to believe that the "P" in "Psalms" was not supposed to be silent.

HANOI — Rumors about a potential domestic spat that may have turned ugly were put to rest today, as French President Emmanuel Macron assured reporters that he had just fallen down some stairs again.

DALLAS, TX — Local man Jim Reese honored the fallen this Memorial Day by purchasing a Whirlpool refrigerator at an incredible 47% discount.

PADUCAH, KY — Local couple Matt and Emily Childs continued their long-running search today for a church where no one will ever use the phrase "love on you."

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Nicolas Cage announced this week that he will be starting his own streaming service called Nicolas Cage+, which will exclusively stream the vast library of Nicolas Cage movies.

WORLD — World leaders condemned today’s declaration by President Donald Trump imposing a 50% tariff on imports from the European Union, asserting that it was a blatant display of Islamaphobia.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to years of sharp criticism from the legendary music icon, President Donald Trump demanded to see Bruce Springsteen’s birth certificate to prove he was born in the U.S.A.

FORT WORTH, TX — Local wife and mother Sienna Danner already has a collection of 70 Stanley tumblers, but expressed confidence that just one more might be exactly what she needed to fill the God-shaped hole in her heart.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another stage in the escalating trade conflict with China, President Donald Trump issued a statement insisting that the next Chinese pandemic be made in America.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another stage in the escalating trade conflict with China, President Donald Trump issued a statement insisting that the next Chinese pandemic be made in America.

NEWPORT BEACH, CA — Local man Harold Dermott initially struggled to access his Gmail on Friday, but after correctly guessing his password on his third try, now considers himself a bona fide hacker.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Embattled after a difficult first several months of 2025, Democrats were reported to be considering a brilliant new strategy of complaining loudly every day about President Donald Trump.

MERIDIAN, MI — A new streaming service designed for the more conservative and legalistic members of the Churches of Christ was announced Wednesday that would use artificial intelligence to digitally remove musical instruments from popular movies and TV shows.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a daring act of resistance, Rep. Nancy Mace has recently announced that she will release as much naked footage of herself as it takes to fight the exploitation of women.

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just days after a catastrophic incident involving a sailing vessel belonging to the Mexican navy, President Donald Trump held a press conference to declare war on Mexico for its flagrant attack on the Brooklyn Bridge.

As artificial intelligence continues to evolve at a rapid rate, many people have found themselves wondering how far it will go and how many human beings will lose their jobs to the machines.

SAN FERNANDO, CA — The Gomez family is back on the market for a new church after learning their home church was full of sinners.

OSLO — The world-altering genius of one man was unanimously recognized on the global stage this week with the highest and most prestigious honor possible, as the guy who invented "Dip & Squeeze" ketchup packaging was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

U.S. — A newly released Harvard study on human intelligence has provided conclusive evidence that while nobody thinks they’re stupid, many are.

COOPERSTOWN, NY — In a shocking new report, a team of amateur ghost hunters working near the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum caught the ghost of Pete Rose placing bets on his Hall of Fame induction.