Month: September 2025

NEW YORK, NY — In a move experts now hail as one of the more shrewd decisions made in the professional sports world in the last several years, star baseball player Juan Soto revealed that he joined the Mets so he could get the entire month of October off every year.

GRAND BLANC, MI — Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints responded to the tragic attacks on one of their locations by continuing to be nice and friendly to everyone they met.

U.S. – Researchers at the University of Maryland have discovered that the most effective treatment for clinical depression is a giggling baby.

ANN ARBOR, MI — To get ready for a political debate at the University of Michigan campus, local Democrat Fred Phillips headed down to the gun range to practice.

U.S. — Americans were not quite sure what former FBI Director James Comey had been indicted for, but they felt very sure that he deserved it.

It’s official: According to the U.S. government, taking Tylenol is "not good." However, this raises questions about how people should treat their headaches going forward.

U.S. — Democrats sounded the alarm over Trump’s prosecution of former FBI Director James Comey, warning that the prosecution of political opponents could set a dangerous precedent for America’s democracy.

NEW YORK — Trump’s Tuesday speech at the United Nations Headquarters in Midtown Manhattan will officially be his last as he has announced plans to demolish the building and replace it with a tremendous UFC Arena.

People are always asking us: how do the writers at the Bee stay so hot and youthful? We decided to do the world a favor and give everyone a few tips on how you too can instantly become more attractive:

SAN DIEGO, CA — According to sources, local man Chris Martin exhibited signs of delusional behavior last night as he continued to hold out hope that his favorite baseball team could still pull out a win despite being down by 7 runs in the 9th inning.

ATLANTA, GA — In a groundbreaking statement that seemed to do away with all previous data, a group of researchers from the Dog CDC announced that eating your own poo was completely safe.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Calvinism is reportedly in major decline after President Trump and Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. found the cure for autism.

BURBANK, CA — What had been a week of upheaval in the late-night television landscape came full circle on Monday, as ABC announced that they were unfiring Jimmy Kimmel for offensive comments so they could instead fire him for not being funny.

U.S. — Surveying the hundreds of thousands gathered for Charlie Kirk’s memorial service, along with the millions watching across the globe, a despondent Satan declared that he had "made a huge mistake."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has come out on the decidedly losing end of a debate against a cardboard cutout of Charlie Kirk.

ARENA FEROX — As his opponent once again successfully dodged his attack, Captain Falcon began to wonder if shouting "FALCON PUNCH!!" before punching people might be telegraphing his moves.

U.S. — MSNBC reported today that Abraham Lincoln has been shot by a Union soldier who was just firing his rifle in celebration.

Jimmy Kimmel may have been relieved of his duties at Jimmy Kimmel Live!, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to retire. He’s only 57, has bills to pay, and has plenty of good years left.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Despite years of attempts by the most brilliant minds on the planet, researchers said that modern man is unable to create any television shows as good as Animaniacs.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Democrats gathered together outside the El Capitan Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard, bearing candles and saying silent prayers on behalf of Jimmy Kimmel, whose show, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, was placed on hold indefinitely.

U.S. — Effective immediately, every television station will begin airing a nightly broadcast of The President Trump Happy Fun Variety Hour, as mandated by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC).

NEW YORK — Former Washington Post journalist Karen Attiah made history Wednesday as the first ever recipient of the Pulitzer Prize for "Best Fabricated Quote."

NASHVILLE, TN — In a stunning change to the bylaws that have served as the bedrock for the denomination for decades, the Southern Baptist Convention voted to lift its longstanding ban on sex after marriage.

FEDERAL WAY, WA — Local wife Kristina Madsen was disappointed to learn over the weekend that her husband didn’t actually have "two tickets to the gun show" as he’d previously asserted.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, the investigation into the assassination of Charlie Kirk is on hold while federal agents are currently deliberating whether or not to investigate a Discord channel called "Tranny Terrorist Murder Planning Committee".