Month: November 2025

RENO, NV — After missing out on Black Friday shopping, local man Chris Rogers was forced to purchase a new television for the exact same price but without a "BLACK FRIDAY SALE" tag.

BEAUMONT, TX — Local man Michael Strong looked wistfully out the window, longing for the good old days when Black Friday shopping was all in person and people feared for their very lives.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — New reports indicated that local homeless man John Brill politely yet firmly refused a passerby’s offer of free leftover marshmallow jello salad earlier today, despite having not eaten in several days.

OXFORD — One of the most well-known stories from the biblical gospels took on a whole new meaning this week, as a team of scholars revealed that they now believe the young rich man went away sad when Jesus told him to sell all his possessions because he had the Nintendo Power Glove.

U.S. — Authorities issued a public service announcement in time for the holiday season, reminding parents that if they leave their children home alone, they should ensure that they have access to plenty of paint cans, a blowtorch, and a cardboard cutout of Michael Jordan. In a pinch, a cardboard cutout of Shaquille O’Neal would also be acceptable.

Conservatism may be the superior political ideology, but don’t beat yourself up, liberals. There’s still plenty to be thankful for this year.

BOISE, ID — Members of a local family are holding out hope that this might finally be the year they get to see their Thanksgiving turkey explode in an epic fireball, just like in all those local news segments warning of the dangers of turkeys exploding in epic fireballs.

MOULTONBOROUGH, NH — To make the most of the Thanksgiving holiday, the Richardson family reportedly instituted helpful debate rules allowing for 2-minute speeches followed by a 1-minute rebuttal.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a thoughtful Thanksgiving address, President Trump reminded the American people to give him thanks this holiday season.

BLOOMINGTON, MN — With Thanksgiving nearly here, local man Chad Erickson was reportedly eager to get back to his true passion as a mall Santa Claus and has already begun preparing for the gig by cutting off his ankle monitor.

CASTRO MARIM, PORTUGAL — According to sources, American tourist Debrah Thompson’s mood soured Monday after seeing her husband gaze in wonderment at the Guadiana International Bridge, knowing in her heart that he would never look at her like she was a cool suspension bridge.

CAPERNAUM — Residents of several nearby villages were abuzz with excitement this week, as the traveling carpenter-turned-teacher Jesus of Nazareth healed a demon-possessed man by taking away his smartphone.

AMARILLO, TX — Local pastor Robbie Ashlock has installed a "Heresy Gong" in the sanctuary for whenever the associate pastor is up to preach.

LANSING, MI — Local mom Janet Fields has continued her decades-long tradition of making cranberry sauce for no one to eat.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene announcing her resignation in January, the average IQ in Congress is expected to rise about 7,000 points.

SEATTLE, WA — In an effort to attract more male customers, Starbucks announced the release of its new Zyn Spice Frappuccino.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration announced plans this week for the president to host a thrilling game show for members of Congress in which the audience must help determine who he executes next.

There’s no more noble aspiration than that of one day becoming a professional journalist, but many may feel intimidated or unequipped to pursue such an impressive career.

U.S. — The results of a national survey revealed that nearly 90% of moviegoers were curious about what happened to the guy who made Aliens and Terminator 2, and then apparently just completely stopped making movies for some reason.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump had been looking forward to releasing all of the Epstein files in accordance with Congress’s "Epstein Files Transparency Act", but reported that a dog actually ate the files, the dog was then lost in a boating accident, and then the boat was struck with a nuclear warhead.

MEKELLE, ETHIOPIA — Starving African children bravely banded together this week to raise money to feed singer and actress Ariana Grande.

MORRISTOWN, NJ — Drug manufacturer Bayer announced this week that they are releasing their popular Flintstones vitamins with added Ozempic to help slim down fat kids.

JERUSALEM — In a development which many see as an irrefutable sign of the impeding end times, biblical scholars and historians have reached a consensus that the Number of the Beast is actually 67.

OXFORD — After much deliberation, an international team of Bible scholars has recently determined that an alleged third letter of Paul to the Corinthians was rejected for being obviously AI-generated.

You may think President Trump has little in common with Moses from the Old Testament, but you’d be wrong. The two are practically carbon copies of each other. Here are just eight of the ways that Trump is exactly like Moses:

U.S. – In a huge blow to President Trump, newly released emails indicate that he was not well-liked by a pedophile.

AUBURN HILLS, MI — Truck manufacturer Dodge unveiled new headlights today that would come standard with new models and were designed specifically to blast gamma ray bursts into your eyeballs.