Month: February 2026

The United States launched a major military attack on Iran overnight, striking dozens of high-level targets across the nation. As the dust settles, everyone is asking the question: what happens next? Here is what’s about to go down:

LONDON — British citizens have politely asked if perhaps they could be next on the list for liberation from radical Islam.

CHAPPAQUA, NY — While being questioned at the Chappaqua Performing Arts Center on Thursday, Hillary Clinton reportedly informed the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform that she only recalled meeting Jeffrey Epstein that one time when she murdered him.

There may be a bias toward Protestantism here, but being Catholic has its perks, too (reportedly). A delegation from The Babylon Bee flew out to Rome to meet with the College of Cardinals to find out the best reasons to be Catholic.

With last night’s polarizing State of the Union, President Trump continued fracturing the country with pointed rhetoric designed only to widen the chasm between the country’s left and right. From the many awful things Trump said, here are the eight most divisive statement’s from last night’s speech:

CHAPPAQUA, NY — A lifelong politician whose name appeared on the Epstein list was questioned today by other politicians whose names were on the Epstein list, sources confirmed.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress stared in confusion this evening, puzzled by hearing a speech from a President who can say words and sentences.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Local Episcopalian Myrtle Smith has once again elected to undergo an enormous sacrifice by giving up reading her Bible again this Lent.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With an alleged third assassination attempt in the books, President Trump is reportedly one step closer to a free third term.

U.S. – After defeating Canada at the only thing it was supposedly good at, the entire territory of Canada has been officially declared an American province.

UTAH — A black man was seen in Utah today, obviously lost.

CORTINA D’AMPEZZO — The gold medal hopes of one pair of U.S. athletes were dashed this week, as the American women’s bobsled team came in last place after stopping to ask for directions.

Investigative journalist James O’Keefe, famous for going undercover to source his groundbreaking stories, has built a legendary reputation as an unparalleled master of disguise.

TORRANCE, CA — Jeremy Fales, a local marketer for a Fortune 500 company, reportedly had an epiphany on Thursday when he traced his lifelong cocaine addiction back to his childhood love of Fun Dip.

MILANO — One of the world’s most infamous supervillains announced plans to unleash years of pent-up frustration on the innocent residents of an unsuspecting American city, as the Joke vowed to take revenge on Gotham City after finishing in 13th place in figure skating at the 2026 Milano Cortina Winter Olympics.

ONTARIO, CA — In a revelation intended to lay a foundation for a better marital relationship, a local wife explained to her husband that her love language is for him to go out and earn all the money and then come home and do all the chores.

HEAVENLY THRONE ROOM — As she stood before the great white throne of judgment upon whom sat One with the appearance of jasper and carnelian, recently deceased Tiffany Smith told Jesus that He really shouldn’t be so judgy.

MUNICH — In a bold declaration against colonial imperialism, U.S. Congresswoman Alexandro Ocasio-Cortez spoke out this week to condemn Spain for stealing Mexico’s language.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a long-rumored shake-up at a high-level position in his administration, President Donald Trump announced that he had replaced Attorney General Pam Bondi with a broom in a blonde wig.

U.S. — Customers were helpfully alerted by an Amazon product’s 4.2 star rating that it is obviously total crap.

The Babylon Bee has put together an absolutely incredible set of Valentine’s Day cards that your special someone will absolutely love. The best part? It’s all free! Simply print, sign, and watch the romance happen.

U.S. — Up-and-coming crime reporter Megan Coolidge said she was excited to hear about the latest gruesome kidnapping case, as it would be a huge boost to her career.

U.S. — Finally, after decades of obscurity on the subject, a groundbreaking new documentary will reportedly examine the history of World War II.