Fun

AUSTIN, TX — Following an announcement that Infowars would soon be converted into a satirical news outlet, American media personality Alex Jones, known for his fringe conspiracy theories related to the Sandy Hook school shooting and homosexual frogs, expressed concern that people would start to think the stories reported by Infowars are fake.

KINGMAN, AZ — According to witness accounts, a local woman carried her unborn child to a full 9 months, enduring considerable hardship in the process, only to name him "Walter."

This place feels like it was plucked straight out of a movie.

Whether you prefer secluded island coves or lively boardwalks, discover your perfect beach.

HOLLYWOOD — Studio executives have been utterly baffled by the massive success of a movie made to entertain people.

U.S. — Local man Richard Manfred was arrested today after failing to give attention to a matter despite President Trump thanking him for his attention to the matter.

Television commercials are a touchstone of artistic expression. In them, products are sold, and dreams are forged. In those moments, we may consider them a nuisance, but they can also gain a special place in our hearts. And so it is worth reflecting on what became of our favorite TV commercial characters. Where are they now?

HEAVEN — According to angelic sources, Heaven offers special perks for people who dress up nice for church.

VATICAN CITY — Seated inside a fortress with 40-foot walls and surrounded by Swiss guards, Pope Leo XIV cautioned the rest of the world’s population not to fear mass Islamic migration.

The White House announced the construction of a 250-ft "United States Triumphal Arch" in honor of the nation’s 250th anniversary, which sounds good until you realize just how racist it is.

Here’s our magical guide to visiting Disneyland Paris.

Fresh brisket is on the board!

HOLLYWOOD, CA — It’s a simple formula: take an already wildly popular franchise and then tweak it a bit to attract even more fans.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the sudden resignation of California Representative Eric Swalwell over sexual assault charges, analysts speculated that there were now just 534 perverts remaining in the United States Congress.

This tiny island is known for its gorgeous tropical landscapes.

TULSA, OK — The security line ground to a halt this morning at the Tulsa International Airport as it took 42 minutes for a local dad to empty his cargo pants.

U.S. — According to advertising experts, the reason television commercials no longer depict medicine as tiny little warriors murdering tiny little germs is because of "wokeness."

It also passes the highest continuous paved road in the country.

KANSAS CITY, MO — Kansas City Royals manager Matt Quatraro pinned the team’s loss on local fan Jim Greller, who failed to put on his lucky socks today.

SACRAMENTO, CA — After being accused of multiple counts of sexual assault, Representative Eric Swalwell issued a fierce denial today, insisting that he never assaulted any of the Chinese spies he slept with.

WORLD — In a historic ecumenical breakthrough, devout Roman Catholics finally found common ground with Protestants in ignoring what the pope says most of the time.

ANAHEIM, CA — During Thursday night’s hockey game between the San Jose Sharks and Anaheim Ducks, one lucky fan reportedly created a lifelong memory when he caught a foul tooth.

If you haven’t heard, Canada has officially dropped a new acronym for the LGBT movement with many, many new additions. The LGBT community in Canada is now:

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The San Francisco Giants unveiled their new City Connect jerseys today with a nod to the feces makes the city so unique.

MIDDLE EAST — The nations of the Middle East celebrated the announcement of a ceasefire with an massive fireworks display that lit up the entire region.

The U.S.-Iran War has captured hearts and headlines all over the world. Now, with a two-week ceasefire agreement in place, here’s how popular media outlets are reporting it:

VAN NUYS, CA — Newly engaged couple Barrett Brown and Melissa McClaren excitedly created a wedding registry at a local Chevron station, sources close to the happy couple said.

TEHRAN — A cackling President Donald Trump completely psyched out the Iranian regime by threatening nuclear war and then dropping bombs that only shoot out little flags that say "POW!".

PARIS — On Monday, French officials questioned how the United States could classify the airman rescue mission a success when no one surrendered to the Nazis.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Local man Tony Flanders noted that, by the looks of it, his next-door neighbor was either very, very wealthy or in massive amounts of debt.

Europe has no shortage of great beaches, but this may be the best.

HOUSTON, TX — With the toilet about Artemis II breaking for the second time, NASA began to wonder if stocking the shuttle with Chipotle may have been a mistake.

He is risen indeed!

A culinary getaway to Hoi An gave one writer the chance to see her grandmother—and their shared love language of food—in a completely new light.

COSTA MESA, CA — In what was sure to be a blow to street vendors across the nation, the country’s leading provider announced that fruit cart insurance would no longer cover destruction from car chases.

EUGENE, OR — Local man Bennett Stenson has become increasingly excited for the new Mario movie after hearing that film critics hated it.

Including finds from Free People, Sorel, and Barefoot Dreams.

PROVO, UT — Local woman Denise Stanford expressed concern that her husband, Mike, had yet to begin even thinking about her August 26th birthday.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Similar to the reaction of umpires to Major League Baseball’s adoption of its new "Automated Ball-Strike System" to challenge calls, the United States Supreme Court has denounced the new "Automated Bench Scrutiny" system implemented to determine whether they decided a case wrong.