Fun

NEW YORK, NY — After the firing of longtime contributor Scott Pelley due to ongoing conflicts with producers, the long-running CBS News program 60 Minutes began its search for a new pompous blowhard.

SACRAMENTO — California officials announced on Wednesday that they had finally finished counting the votes and Ronald Reagan had officially won the 1966 governor’s race.

Cyprus might be known for its sun-soaked beaches, but it’s also an outdoor adventurer’s paradise.

BURBANK, CA — In an effort to win back disgruntled fans, Disney executives announced a brand-new Star Wars film trilogy centered entirely around Jar Jar Binks, one of the most popular characters in the franchise.

It’s Primary Election Day in California, and, as expected, a ton of people are still voting Democrat. The Babylon Bee hit the streets to find out why.

AGOURA HILLS, CA — Officials working on new construction in California were surprised to learn that their own state, which was struggling to build a bridge for butterflies over the course of four years at a cost of over $100 million, had apparently once developed and built the P-51 Mustang in just 102 days.

It’s Pride Month again, making this the perfect time of year to see what inspirational passages can be found in God’s Word that pertain to the subject.

This not-so-little corner of the world is only accessible by plane or boat.

U.S. — Democrats have forcefully condemned Republicans for going so low as to play videos of Senate candidate James Talarico saying things.

U.S. — Late-night host Jimmy Kimmel has officially signed an endorsement deal with Midol.

Staying here gets you easy access to one of the seven natural wonders of the world.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington Democrats condemned President Donald Trump this week for "violating the sanctity of the White House" by daring to host a professional MMA fight on the same hallowed grounds where Biden once welcomed topless trannies.

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK — In a touching ceremony, basketball legend LeBron James finally passed the official "King of Flops" crown on to the Oklahoma City Thunder’s Shai Gilgeous-Alexander.

For natural beauty and clear waters, there’s no better place than Cabo de Gato.

AUSTIN, TX — James Talarico drew attention in recent months with his candidacy for Texas senator, but he reportedly had a bit of trouble appealing to the average Texan. To help with that, the Democratic Party sent in Minnesota Governor Tim Walz to give him "not acting gay" lessons.

Ten years ago, this world lost one of its greatest heroes: Harambe, the gorilla. Friend to many and beloved by all, the loss of Harambe left a gaping hole that changed the course of history.

CALGARY — One elderly woman was convinced that her life was soon going to change forever, as the Canadian grandmother expressed excitement after hearing that her family was preparing to hire a MAID.

RED ROCKS, CO — Local concertgoers experienced a wave of dread Friday night when indie-rock front man Julian Vance announced the band was going to "play a little something from the new album."

Travel experts weigh in on the top places worldwide to explore on your own.

BETHLEHEM — As Ruth was about to come pick up extra crops left for her in the fields, workers reportedly spotted Boaz carefully arranging stalks of grain on the ground to spell out "Hey Gurl."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Chuck Schumer reportedly spent Memorial Day alone with his thoughts after having killed all of his backyard barbecue guests the previous year by serving them raw hamburger beef infected with E. coli.

News broke this morning that the United States and Iran have agreed to the framework of a peace deal, and our investigative team here at The Babylon Bee has managed to secure a leaked copy. Here, presented for the first time anywhere, are the terms each side has committed to:

FRISCO, TX – Chaos descended on Christ Methodist of Frisco as the all-white choir attempted to sing an African spiritual.

A Virginia local shares one of her favorite state parks.

BANGOR, ME — Democratic Senate candidate Graham Platner has smoothed things over with supporters by covering up his Nazi death squad tattoo with a new tattoo of the communist hammer and sickle.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard was forced to resign on Friday after President Donald Trump discovered that she’s not blonde.

Getting a little tired of youth pastors teaching the Parable of the Talents and then asking you to go stack some chairs? Consider telling everyone you have the spiritual gift of encouragement.

GREENVILLE, SC — Sources revealed that the company-wide meeting scheduled today for all SynerTech employees was, in actuality, just for Phil.

U.S. — After sitting down for an interview with podcaster Candace Owens, Hunter Biden’s reputation was reportedly in ruins.

Beyond the famous European cities, these destinations have ample attractions of their own.

Whether in the North Atlantic, the South Pacific, or the Caribbean, these tiny isles provide the utmost seclusion.

NORFOLK, VA — A member of Generation Z reportedly starved to death while waiting for a DoorDash delivery that would never come, authorities confirmed Wednesday.

U.S. — Following news that Senator Thomas Massie had lost his bid for re-election, several politicians have reportedly begun offering media personality Tucker Carlson up to $1 million dollars if he agrees not to endorse them.

Waterton Lakes National Park in Alberta, Canada, is connected to Glacier National Park in Montana, and you can visit both.

QUINCY, MA — Weary from a major smallpox outbreak in her area, the wife of John Adams claimed she was starting to believe this whole thing about a "Continental Congress" was made up by her husband as an excuse to go hang out with the boys.

OVERLAND PARK, KS — The need for the construction of massive data storage centers has been in the news again recently, with the results of a new study indicating that 90% of data centers are just storage for your wife’s pictures of the kids.

Unlike flashier nearby hot spots, Juan-les-Pins is a quiet escape on the Côte d’Azur.

ALTOONA, PA — Local man Ted Woods got tired of all the time spent getting angry online. "There’s always something new to get angry at each day," Woods said. "And you never know what time the facts will come out confirming the need to get angry — it could be while I’m busy and don’t have time to be distracted with being angry." Thus, Woods came up with a great new strategy: Get angry at things now instead of waiting until all the facts are known.

BANGOR, ME — Local dad David Kemp gathered his family together today to break the news to them that he’s getting really into the American Civil War.

TUCSON, AZ — Local man Dale Swanson declined to have his double scoops of mint chocolate chip and strawberry ice cream served in a delicious waffle cone, instead opting to have it in a blasphemous paper cup instead.

U.S. — The Associated Press has warned that despite their deadly nature, medieval trebuchets are mostly exempt from firearm regulations in the United States.

It’s called the “Paris of the East.”

Plus, it has year-round availability.

U.S. — According to overnight reports, a dumbfounded nation at last realized that Chelsea Handler has actually been trying to be funny this whole time.